Pet Loss Grief and Anger:
Healing Your Grieving Heart

Anger is an honest expression of pet loss grief. Its intensity may surprise you because underneath your anger is your pain. Read more to understand the benefits and drawbacks when anger fills your grieving heart.

"Anger surfaces once you are feeling safe enough to know you will probably survive whatever comes. At first, the fact you lived through the loss is probably surprising to you. Then more feelings hit, and anger is usually at the front of the line as feelings of sadness, panic, hurt and loneliness also appear." ~David Kessler

No Apologies Needed

When you are grieving the death of your pet, anger is another indicator of how much you loved your cherished companion. If you feel anger over your pet’s death, you owe no one an apology for your grief—or your anger. It is human to be angry, and underneath your anger is your pain. Consider, too, that anger is not a “requirement” of grief because every person’s grief is unique and not every griever will feel its force.

Pet Loss Grief and Anger

There are many reasons to be angry when a beloved pet dies. Here are just a few:

The veterinary professionals misdiagnosed your pet’s illness or gave inadequate treatment.

You took your sick or dying pet to an emergency animal hospital for a true veterinary emergency. He or she languished for hours, afraid and in pain, before your pet received medical care. Or, your pet received no medical care.**

Someone is responsible for your pet’s death through reckless, negligent, careless or cruel behavior.

You missed your pet’s early symptoms or did not respond to a crisis the way you wanted.

Your pet suffered too long before you chose euthanasia.

Your pet's euthanasia was not peaceful, or the staff seemed uncaring.

Friends or relatives make insensitive remarks such as “He was just a dog.” Or, “You can always get another cat.”

You now believe you had your pet euthanized too soon.

You were on a trip, or in the hospital, and your pet died in someone else's care while you were gone.

You were not able to be with your pet for euthanasia because of COVID-19 restrictions.

God let you down and did not answer your prayers.

Or, fill in your own reasons here.

**My encounter with anger

Jimmy and I had a dreadful experience at an emergency animal hospital. His lack of care angers me. Jimmy had suddenly lost control of his hindquarters which is a true veterinary emergency. When I brought him in, he was taken to the back treatment area, and I was not allowed to be with him. I was told that he was "in triage and we are watching him." Hours passed.

After waiting overnight with no information about Jimmy unless I asked, I found out that a veterinarian had not "picked up his case" by 6:30 AM, and no one would until after change of shift at 7:00 AM.

A vet technician supposedly checked his blood glucose hours before. Another technician told me that "Jimmy's hind legs had quit working because he was fat and had arthritis." I was stunned by her lack of knowledge.

I was trying to help my beloved cat and they did nothing meaningful for him, not a preliminary diagnosis, evaluation by a veterinarian, or even pain medicine for comfort. He suffered for hours. If this is the hospital's standard of practice, then count me out. I placed my trust in the clinic staff to care for Jimmy, and I felt betrayed.

I called my regular hospital when it opened at 7:30 AM. They told me to bring him in right away. I am grateful to the caring, professional staff because Jimmy soon received an accurate diagnosis. He had a tumor pressing on his spine causing paralysis. With the support of Jimmy's veterinarian, I made the heartbreaking decision to euthanize him.

Jimmy received hospice comfort care throughout the day: pain relief, hydration, lots of delicious treats, loving attention, and a compassionate, peaceful euthanasia later that afternoon, cradled in my arms. After spending a horrible night in the emergency clinic, I am thankful that Jimmy was surrounded by love on his final day.

I have since read reviews of this emergency animal hospital, and many pets and pet parents have had incidents similar to ours. Sadly, sometimes pets suffer more because they are in the hands of uncaring, or incompetent, people. We have every reason to be angry.

Anger Is Normal

Anger is a normal part of grief—a bridge of strength and energy, at a time when there is little of either, across the abyss of loss. Anger tells you that you are alive, and you loved your pet very much. Anger is progress because it means you are feeling the emotions of grief needed to heal. The more you honor your loss by allowing yourself to acknowledge anger, the more healing you will do.

The Problem Is Not Anger

Anger is a normal, healthy emotion, neither good nor bad. It is important to remember that anger is an emotion, not a behavior. The problem is not anger. The difficulty arises when you misdirect anger—unfairly—toward others, or turn the anger upon yourself. In other words, anger becomes a problem when you express it in harmful ways.

People will criticize your anger because it is uncomfortable to be around, but misdirected anger is confusing and hurtful. Those who get the blast of displaced anger are usually closest to you—the people and remaining pets that you most do not want to hurt.

The Negative Effects of Anger

Anger turned toward self can create physical and emotional problems such as ulcers, high blood pressure, heart attack, anxiety, inflammation and all the disorders that are associated with inflammation, depression and abuses of food, alcohol, drugs or gambling.

Lashing out at the people or remaining pets around you, or engaging in reckless behavior, creates all sorts of chaos in your life. You are already grieving. Anger can cause you to do or say things now that you will regret later, resulting in even more pain.

Unacknowledged anger grows larger and larger until it erupts. Suppression (ignoring it) never works. Angry energy will not go away. It must be released in constructive ways. The more you understand your anger—how you react when you are mad—the more you can make changes that allow for your healing.

Anger Is Important

Anger is an important part of grief. It’s yours, you earned it, and no one can (or should) take it from you. Anger can also be a motivating and useful emotion. When anger becomes the defining characteristic of your grief, however, a stuck place that causes you and everyone around you to suffer even more, please consider seeking support to gain a better understanding of it. This support could come from a professional counselor, spiritual advisor, family member or trusted friend.

Finding Yourself

Never forget that you are angry because you deeply loved and now the one you loved is gone. You may be shocked when the intensity of your anger is in direct proportion to the intensity of your love for the pet who has died. Explore your anger because the more you allow the feelings to surface, the more of yourself you will find. Mostly, it will be the pain of loss, and your grief will change form again in the healing of your grieving heart.